- Intimacy is our capacity to make and keep deep and long-lasting attachments
- Attachment capacity develops very early from the quality of the parental bond
- A poor early attachment history can be improved by Dyadic Developmental Therapy for couples or parent/child dyads using Feuerstein’s FIE Basic
- Lust is biologically driven by hormones or by arousal of sensual memories stored in the brain.
- Sexuality is inborn and genital pleasures are discovered by kids in their first years of life
- Masturbation to orgasm may begin well before puberty and continues well into old age.
- Our unique sexual habits and preferences arise from the balance of our inborn hormones and our early memories of sensual pleasure.
- Lust is simply the memory of extreme pleasure/arousal that we seek to repeat.
- Falling in love and lust, are both temporary extreme states or memories of joy that we seek to regain.
- Loving intimacy does not depend on extreme states but only requires a shared trusting bond and physical connection some of the time.
- Sustained intimacy between partners is complicated by lack of communication and by differences which may be biological (e.g. hormones, stress, fatigue); psychological (e.g. beliefs, moods, memories and needs); social (e.g. compatibility, power and support in relationships); spiritual (e.g. values, fears and guilt).
- Sexual ignorance, embarrassment and shame can prolong sexual problems because secrecy prevents the communication needed to solve problems.
- Professional sexual counselling can improve sexual communication and prevent the build up of interpersonal tension, resentment or failure fears that block arousal.
Sexual Chemistry and Lifestyle
- Single life sex can be an exciting dream or nightmarish search for sexually compatible chemistry because suitable partners can be difficult to match.
- Single life status offers advantages of freedom from economic and emotional responsibility in spite of the long periods of celibacy and searching may be involved.
- Match making for sexual chemistry is the biggest problem for dating agencies causing people to avoid dating because of rejection fears.
- Understanding more about our relationship fears can help decrease tensions, change sexual chemistry and decrease rejection on first dates.
- Sexual Incompatibility is the biggest cause of failed marriages, relationship problems and failed matchmaking.
SELF HELP TIPS FOR SEX
To cool off
If you tend to get sexually overheated before a date, try these ideas and rate your success for each one out of 20:
- Have a run or a work out – then relax in a tub before meeting up.
- Meditate on your longer-term hopes and your dreams about love.
- Visualise the two of you engaged in an energetic non-sensual sport e.g. rowing.
- Write and memorise a script for discussing sex at your next meeting.
- Masturbate before the date if you still need sexual relief.
To Warm Up
If you can’t seem to feel sexually switched on before a date try these suggestions and indicate your success for each one out of 20:
- Take a long sensuous and relaxing bath with soothing music and bath oils.
- Visualise the two of you relaxing in your own favourite peaceful place.
- Imagine having a deep body massage (non sexual) releasing energy from each muscle.
- Visualise sharing an exciting sensual (non sexual) adventure that you have never tried.
- Masturbate in a slow sensuous way but without reaching orgasm.
Simple Solutions for Normal Sex Problems
- Time solves simple sex problems that usually disappear when temporary fatigue, pain or relationship tensions pass
- Self-education by reading good self help books reduces most fears and superstitions
- Communication and disclosure to partners and friends overcomes secrecy and shame
- Relaxation and recreation improves your mood and your sex life
- When time, knowledge, communication and relaxation do not work it helps to talk to a professional sexual counsellor or psychologist
What’s the difference between normal and disturbed sexual behaviour?
Sexually arousing objects, fantasies and behaviours are strongly learnt and are difficult to change, and do not need changing unless they disturb other aspects of the person’s life and relationships.
- Learned sexual rituals that go against social taboos cause guilt/shame/stress disturbances and increase susceptibility to sex addictions or compulsions, ranging from harmless to extreme
- Sexual frequency disturbance usually subside after adolescence when masturbating several times daily can disturb studies and social skills
- In adults, extremely high (or low) sex frequency/masturbation can disturb economic, social and family stability due to incompatibility, infidelity, alienation or physical harm (self mutilation or sadistic sex)
- Gender identity disturbances can affect gay or heterosexual females or males whose body dissatisfaction can range from normal to extreme pressure to change sexual appearance by cross dressing or genital surgery. Severe stress/anxiety/depression can result from extreme pressure to change
- Viagra and other medical/surgical aids can often fail because specialised sex therapy has not been used to differentiate primary from secondary causes such as couple conflict, infidelity guilt, low self-esteem etc. which can persist and perpetuate sexual dysfunctions despite medical treatments
- Primary impotence is rare, affecting men who have never attained sufficient erections for vaginal penetration or sometimes for masturbation. Lifelong abstinence and low sex hormones and sociosexual avoidance often result in alienation and impaired self esteem, which make this a difficult condition to treat. Therefore you should insist on a full investigation of hormonal, vascular and psychosocial causes and a combined treatment programme to ensure lasting effectiveness of treatment.
- Secondary or partial impotence occurs only with some circumstances o with particular partners, drugs like Viagra may give temporary relief but rarely solve secondary impotence problems, and sometimes worsens the problem.
- In women, primary (lifelong) Anorgasmia occurs when arousal to orgasm cannot be attained either by stimulation even in masturbation. This is usually a biopsychosociological problem that may involve low sex hormone levels as well as penetration fears i.e. vaginismus and avoidance learnt via restrictive upbringing and painful intercourse attempts. Effective treatment combines medical with sex therapy involving relaxation and/or self-hypnosis, deconditioning negative beliefs and tension combined with a graded reconditioning of the orgasmic response through guided self pleasuring. Initially therapy happens alone and later with a sexual partner.
- In women, secondary sexual dysfunctions involve emotional responses of pain or fear that make penetration or even contact difficult due to beliefs, relationship stress or infection. These can be successfully treated if the causes are accurately diagnosed and treated by specialised psychologists. Medication or surgery are very rarely appropriate and can make things worse.